Lost in Translation

Every sports fan takes for granted their bilingualism, that knowledge and overuse of that vast bank of clichés, misnomers and misusage known as Jockspeak. And while it's fun to confuse the uninitiated by speaking of a basketball player's "length" or a pitcher's "muscle memory," sometimes a little translation would be nice.And sometimes it's necessary. For example, when called upon to write something coherent about this year's hapless .The silver-and-black may be dead last in most statistical categories, but they've got to be No. 1 in Jets 6 Sanchez AFL50th jersey
understatement. Plus, in an attempt to save whatever face may remain, the Raiders are currently applying more spin than any team this side of Mark Foley. Below run examples of recent Jockspeak in the Oakland dialect following the dismal 24-21 choke job at the hands of the limpid Cleveland Browns, together with translations courtesy of the crack RealFootball365 multicultural team.Head coach Art Shell: "We just didn't play well on a consistent basis. We played well in spurts. You can't play in spurts. You have to be consistent."RF365 translation: "This being my 100th game as Raider head coach, I figured I'd do a little reading up, and you know what I found out? There are four quarters in football."AP Headline: "Raiders struggle to find positives after yet another loss."RF365 translation: "Raiders lose again and I have to fill the rest of this space."Stuart Schweigert, safety: "I can't stand it looking in the paper and seeing us ranked as the last team in the NFL."RF365 translation: "I've cancelled my newspaper subscription."Shell: "Just like you finish plays, you've got to finish the game, and we didn't do that. When we had to stop them we didn't do it. When we had to make plays on the offensive side, we didn't do it. And on special teams, when we kicked off and punted, there were times we didn't stop them. So we just had breakdowns and inconsistent play."RF365 translation: [sound of test pattern]Randy Moss, wide receiver: "I don't see anybody else having a concern, so why should I? I'm not the only one unhappy."RF365 translation: "Do I really have to spell this one out?"My friend Jeff, a Raider fan of 30 years, when asked if this was the worst Oakland team he'd ever seen: "No. Last year was."RF365 translation: "No, but it's close."Shell, on the challenge he didn't call in the fourth: "After I saw it, I was miffed, because we should have challenged it."RF365 translation: "Did you know that coaches can challenge plays now? Go figure."LaMont Jordan, running back: "I still have faith in the team. I still have faith in my teammates. I still have faith in the coaches. We're 0-3. It's not the end of the world. What happens is, everyone has to start thinking about all this. If we don't get things turned around pretty soon, it's going to start bringing some rain. Then, the next thing you know, it's going to be a little thunder and lightning..."RF365 translation: "I'm just going to keep piling up all-star stats, say nice things and go free agent ASAP."Tyrone Poole, defensive back: "Once 4 Brett Favre Purple jersey
you start to win, that brings on respect."RF365 translation: "...or so I've heard."All kidding aside, the Raiders have a shot this week, drawing the 1-3 San Francisco 49ers in the "Battle of the Bay." Now, pull yourselves up by the bootstraps, take it one play at a time, go out there and give 110 percent, guys! (RF365 translation: Take the 49ers at home, minus six.)Senior writer Anthony Carroll returns tomorrow with more original commentary. (25)